And So It Begins...

I don’t feel 40. Not even close, actually.

At least I didn’t until February 22, 2010. That is a date that will live in infamy for me. I did something that day that many would just shrug off. Some might even say, “I think you’re losing it, Mike.” Maybe I am. I did something that day that I once told myself I would never do. I COULD NEVER do. I’ve even mocked those who have done it before me. This doesn’t happen to me. I always pay attention to what I’m doing. I check to be sure, and then I double check. I have a finely tuned radar built right into my head. My every move is very carefully thought out, that is, until this one single day…when I slipped up. For one solitary moment, I lost my concentration…and as a result…I’m sorry to say that I did something I can’t take back. Yes, it’s true. I washed my cell phone in the washing machine. I just forgot about it. I left it in my pocket. There. I said it. BUT WAIT! I know what you’re thinking. Are you kidding? That’s it??? That’s all you did? Come on…you’ve got to do better than that! But hear me out I tell you. HEAR ME OUT. This is just the beginning. It only starts by taking your cell phone for a spin in the washing machine. Today it’s washing the cell phone…tomorrow it’s forgetting to take my pill. (And no…not the little blue one. Let’s not even begin to think about that. Oh the humanity!)

But really, can’t you see where I’m going with this? My father might say I’m in the beginning stages of what he would call “Old Timers Disease”. He always tells me when he forgets things. (At least he does when he remembers to tell me about them). But when my nieces and nephews ask me years from now…”Uncle Mike, when did you first start feeling old?” I’ll sit back, place my hand to my chin, think long and hard about it, (hoping I can even remember that moment) and then nostalgically tell them….”the day I forgot my phone in my pants…then washed it.” Why? It’s simple really. It was the epiphany I had of accepting the fact that I could be so forgetful. Sure, I’ve been forgetful in the past…just ask my wife. But now I’m admitting it, thereby breaking down the walls of invincibility of my teens, twenties and even my thirties while chalking it up to the fact that maybe I’m actually just getting older.

Yes, it’s true. I did have the cleanest cell phone in the house for a little while. I even used the high efficiency detergent on the normal wash cycle. But let me tell you, when I tried to resuscitate my poor little cell phone, I’m sure I created a site to behold. I gently placed the Wet-Bat (my own term for what they will one day call a waterproof cell phone battery because of people like me) back into the phone, and without even touching the power button I sadly watched as my phone started vibrating hysterically. It displayed a dark grey screen with what looked to be water droplets under the plastic covering on the inside of the phone itself. No, I tell you…it was not the screensaver. It was my pathetic little phone gasping for its final breaths. Nothing could save it now. It was gone.

So what’s next? Do I forget weekly tasks or birthdays of those near and dear? Do I forget to turn the oven off? Do I forget to pay the bills? What will it be? But then I think…Wait! I’m supposed to be embracing forty. These are changes I should welcome. So how do I turn this forgetfulness around and make it sound like a positive? What about, “But I’m pretty sure I paid my taxes, Mr. Taxman.” or “Yes. You can send the bill to my home address. It’s 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.”

All kidding aside though, I know that the true effects of aging are still a long, long way off. I still feel great. I remember much more than I forget. And I’m inquisitive enough to look at my grandparents and my wife’s grandmother (all of whom are in their upper 80s) and ask…”How did you do it?” And I’m sure their answer would be something as wise and as simple as…”just keep breathing”. These three are the people I admire the most. It’s their wisdom I crave and their experiences I continue to learn from.

Meanwhile honey, with respect to my poor little pathetic phone, I have just two questions for you:
(1) Low, medium or high? And (2) Should I use one of those fabric softener sheet thingies?

And you thought I was going to ask you for a new iPhone.